Jumat, 27 April 2012

Law School Exam--A student's imminent domain

Every law student I know has a specific study style, but almost all of them I know do some of the following shit during final exams, and almost certainly has a setup during said exam that looks strikingly similar to the one I've shown below. Allow me to guide you through the preparatory setup of a law school exam.


A:  the last chance at a hot drink before your final begins. At best, your Starbucks is lukewarm, and all the caffeine has rendered your tastebuds nil, but you've somehow convinced yourself that this caramel macchiato is going to give you that boost you need to succeed. (Good luck with that)

B:  your trusty laptop, which is probably on its last legs of life since you've inadvertently spilled yesterday's Starbucks on it. Watch for this awesome machine to suddenly shit out on you in the middle of the exam.

C:  Earplugs. To try to drown out the commotion that the obnoxious fucker (probably you) is probably going to cause during the exam.

D:  some sort of food that not only crunches when you eat it, but that gives off a fucking noxious odor that makes the people around you (whose stomachs and systems are also filled to the breaking point with caffeine) want to simultaneously barf and kill you. You dumbass motherfucker.

E:  5-hour energy. Taken when you start flagging--generally 1/3 of the way in. Need I say more?


F:  the Diet Coke you're going to pop in the middle of the goddamn exam right as I've come up with something brilliant to say. This, of course, will make my mouth water, and also make me lose whatever train of conscious thought I had going.


G:  see D, only this is SUPERSIZED, so you want to make sure to eat it in the middle of the exam and make AS MUCH FUCKING NOISE OPENING THE BAG AS POSSIBLE.

H:  the sole pencil you have for the Scantron whose lead will probably break halfway through filling in the bubbles. You probably even had to bum this off of someone else. Because who uses pencils?

I:   the eraser you've somehow managed to keep since you were a 1L purchasing school supplies. It will be in the bottom of your bookbag, probably covered in some kind of foreign substance.

J:  pens. Because you're almost definitely going to have to write something by hand, even if you don't want to.

K:  six fucking colors of highlighters. Because you're apparently still of the mindset that you should use the highlighting system generally only utilized by first week 1Ls before they decide to stop reading altogether.

L:   the watch you've finally remembered to bring after the last time you got COMPLETELY fucked by the proctor administering the exam.

M: the space reserved for the test that is probably going to make you want to vomit a little bit.

Now, if you look closely at the picture, you'll notice two things enclosed outside of the desk, but no less prevalent in the preparation of a law student for final exams. 

N:  the non-prescribed pills that the law student has been popping for the previous 72 hours prior to the exam. Adderall to pick you up, Ambien to put you down (after the exam, naturally), and God knows what else.
O:  RedBull almost certainly chugged down as if it was the breastmilk obtained from the teat of knowledge....except it's not and it probably isn't going to sit well with the 17+ other types of caffeine you've been swilling for the last umpteen hours.

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